i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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