he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
