I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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