Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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