I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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