im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
