new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
