just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
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we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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