can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
