it hurts more in the daytime
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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