U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
