the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
