Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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