Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.