I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
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You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
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I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize