In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
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Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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