When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
