I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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