I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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