so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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