Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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