I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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