How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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