the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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