WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
