Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
