I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
