you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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