she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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