just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
