We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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