I don't usually arrange sex via text message
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
