sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
