I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
