I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
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its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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