Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
