I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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