Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
