hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
