I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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