I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
