fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
