Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
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she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
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Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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