Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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