also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
