This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
