he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
