I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
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He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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