when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
