as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
