Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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