Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
