Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
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I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
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When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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